yung time na nasuka ako sa school nung elementary… (TMI)

my sister and i were talking.. about school baon..

i get excited kase about food kwentuhan.. and i really like everything filipino food related.

tinanong ko sya if she brings baon to school (rice with ulam)..

then naalala ko nung nasa elementary ako.. binibilan lang kame ni nanay ng tinapay na may hotdog sa tindahan ni aling lita.. siksik sa chichiria saka mga sanwiches yung tindahan na yon.. even now thinking about it.. nakakagutom.. may ham and mayo sandwich, may zesto.. roller coaster, chippy, tommy na maliliit.  basta madame. andon ata lahat ng maisipan itinda ni  aling lita.

since maaga yung pasok namen sa school.. 0600am ang start ng klase.. (grade 2 yan ah)

pinapakaen muna kame ng lola namen dun sa maliit na lugawan place na malapit sa school.. (i forgot the name of the ale that owns it and usually manage the place)

the place was very small. may mahabang lamesa sa may tapos may upuan.. yung amoy ng lugaw umaalingasaw sa buong place.. tapos you can even smell it from a far.. NAKAKAGUTOM. 😀

sa lamesa na mahaba.. (yung mapayat na lamesa din.. tamang lalagyan lang ng tasa ng lugaw na kakainin mo) at syempre maliit pa ko non.. pero chubby.. (kakakaen ng lugaw) kasya ako sa maliit na sulok..

medyo nahihirapan na ko idescribe yung lugawan place.. sana andon pa yon sa may “main”. (pero alam ko wala na eh) so pasensya na kung mali ako.. basta ang importante masarap yung lugaw don.. kase maaga yung pasok.. 5:30 palang ata andon na kame.. para kumaen.. kasama ng ibang bata na halatang minadali ng mga nanay nila para maligo at magbihis sa school para hindi ma-late.

pupwesto kame ng kapatid ko sa isang sulok.. tabi kame.. (ata)

minsan plain lugaw lang.. tapos lalagyan ko ng toyo (na parang di toyo, kase parang may hinahalo pa na iba.. or patis siguro yon.. hindi ko na matandaan) tapos pag sobrang gutom talaga ko.. pinapalagyan ko ng hard boiled egg.. pero ang fave part ko.. is yung fried garlic saka calamansi..

solb na solb. hindi kumpleto ang umaga kapag hindi ako nakakakaen don.

i never thought na ibang klaseng araw pala yon para saken..

usually, nagrerecess kame ng mga 0900h.. ata.. depende sa teacher. (pagbigyan.. 7 palang ako nyan)

kinaen ko yung hotdog na nasa tinapay.. (masarap din yung hotdog sandwich na yon.. kahit walang ketchup or anything)

maya maya.. lumalamig yung sikmura ko.. bata pa ko non pero basta “nalamigan” yung term..

ewan ko kung dahil matakaw ako or what.. basta.. nasusuka na ko. and i cant hold it anymore..

sa room namen.. sa may corner sa likod may lababo.. .. yung ilalim. lalagyan ng mga bunot saka walis tambo or tingting.. na ginagamit namen kapag kame ang “cleaners”

kaso.. hindi gumagana ng maayos yung lababo..

walang tubig.. at most of all.. walang tubo sa ilalim.. so lahat ng sinuka ko don sa lababo.. deretso sa bunot at walis tambo sa ilalim ng lababo..

kadiri.. i know.. pero habang sumusuka ako.. nagkakagulo na din yung mga 45-50 kong mga kaklase.. at si mam capaque.. na adviser namen.. i think ntataranta sya.. or idk.. basta.. it was a mess..

and the smell.. EWWW.

hindi ko na alam pa ang mga sumunod na nangyare.. basta umuwi ako.. pinauwi ako.

and that was my version of a horror story.. na up until today.. naaalala ko pa ren..

winter time sadness

feels like there are dementors all around me sucking the life and happiness out of me.

i cant see them of course, because lets face it.. im a muggle… or am i? hmmm 😛

i dont feel well recently. life kinda sucks right now.. i spend most of the  time at home, sleeping, reading, browsing the internet.. i spend most of my time in my bed.. only leaving my room to eat.. or go out to shop for food..

i thought about shopping.. and yes, ive been shopping again.. and it would be nice not to spend money because i dont even work as much anymore.. (work kinda sucks lately) nothing can ever motivate me to work except the need to pay “the bills” i keep buying things that i dont even need, in hopes that it would somehow fill the void in my heart.

to be honest… no amount of money can ever make me feel any better. naah.. just kidding.. i think if i have 1 million dollars.. i’ll be happy.. and not care about the world..

my mind is messing with me.. i kept thinking sometimes that im just wasting this life that is given to me.. i dont do anything..

sometimes i think that if i die right now.. (not that im planning to harm myself in anyway,, please dont get me wrong) i can just skip all of these. i can just skip getting hurt and getting bored.

its cold, its winter.. i have so many plans. making a youtube video, writing.. applying for school (again) i just cant seem to start anything..

im lazy.. but whats new?

i cant help but think about my old life.. back when i was still inthe philippines.. it was horrible because i dont like living with the relatives.. they were mean..

but i was happy when im with my friends.. i didnt have much back then.. but my friends.. even though there were only a few of them.. they became my refuge..

its funny because now that im earning a little more.. i can still confidently say that i was happier back then.. life was more interesting for me back then. i was honestly very happy.

money cant buy you happiness. its true. i believe that now.

what am i talking about? im crazy.

my mind is messing with me.. its bringing me some unwanted memories from the past..

gives me all the “feels”.

sadness, guilt, madness.. mostly guilt.. and of course, shame.

i envy most people.. even tho they have limits.. physically, financially speaking.. at least they have a vision.. they know what they wanted to do in life.. they’re not completely wasting what was given to them..

i missed writing nonsense stuff in here.. i forgot my password so i havent been “on” as much and my laptop broke so i had to take it out for someone to fix it..

i felt really sad when i thought that i was going to lose this one.. its too soon for that.. im not ready yet.. altho the new series of macbook pros looks really sleek and i actually want one..

i still love this laptop tho with all my heart.. ❤

im tired. its 3am in the morning. im watching a ghibli movie since yesterday.. its called the wind rises.. but i cant seem to finish it..  and i kept thinking of just watching harry potter.

i am thankful for all the mean people who put me down when i was at my worst especially back then when i had nothing. i realized that i have to work extra hard for all my dreams so all the mofos like you can learn a lesson that while you’re at the top of your game, it is still very important to keep yourself well-grounded, thank you for making me feel so little and less of a person just because... you know what you did/say. it did hurt especially when its implied. although i can forgive, i will never forget the way you made me feel. you showed me the kind of person that i dont want to be once i have everything, i may have learnt things the hard way from all the bullies of every race but they only taught me how to be strong and stand up for myself. people think that i was lucky, and that it seems like i have everything.. but none of them knew what i’ve went thru to get to where i am right now.. so there you go..

10 things i learned about nursing

its been almost two years, and it feels like just yesterday when i graduated.

 

1. some things just doesnt sit “right” in my soul.

2. you will make lots of mistakes.. alot..

3. some people are going to blatantly make you feel bad.

4. you’d learn to accept things and people just the way they are

5.you will reflect on your thoughts after every 8/12 hour shift

6. you will love yourself more.

7. ask yourself a couple times if you really deserve to be a nurse.

8. you’d feel so blessed touching other people’s live and making a difference.

9.you worry alot, before, during and even after your shift.

10. you become a stronger person that you were 2 years ago after you graduated and you know that being a nurse is a continuing learning experience.

im so fucking tired of people telling me that im FAT/SKINNY. “you got fat, you gained weight, you’re too thin, you need to stop working out”. BLAH BLAH BLAH. motherfuckers. make up your fucking minds. it is my body. i’ll do whatever i want with it.. if i look “fat” or “skinny” thats not your problem. saying stuff about someone else’s weight or body is sooo fucking rude. its basically telling someone she’s ugly. shut the fuck up. know your place.

medyo homesick si nene.

namimiss ko ang pilipinas.
the more i think about it, mas lalo ako nahohomesick.
andameng alaala ang bumabalik saken.. sabay creep sa fb pages nung mga taong yon.
gusto ko sana bumalik. pero ang buhay ko, wala na don ee.
nandito na.
ayoko man, i just have to let go and accept it. its been 7 years.. kahit may kakaunti akong kaibigan na naging kaclose ko don.
iba na rin ngayon.
ahh basta. mahirap iexplain. tulog na lang ako.