winter time sadness

feels like there are dementors all around me sucking the life and happiness out of me.

i cant see them of course, because lets face it.. im a muggle… or am i? hmmm 😛

i dont feel well recently. life kinda sucks right now.. i spend most of the  time at home, sleeping, reading, browsing the internet.. i spend most of my time in my bed.. only leaving my room to eat.. or go out to shop for food..

i thought about shopping.. and yes, ive been shopping again.. and it would be nice not to spend money because i dont even work as much anymore.. (work kinda sucks lately) nothing can ever motivate me to work except the need to pay “the bills” i keep buying things that i dont even need, in hopes that it would somehow fill the void in my heart.

to be honest… no amount of money can ever make me feel any better. naah.. just kidding.. i think if i have 1 million dollars.. i’ll be happy.. and not care about the world..

my mind is messing with me.. i kept thinking sometimes that im just wasting this life that is given to me.. i dont do anything..

sometimes i think that if i die right now.. (not that im planning to harm myself in anyway,, please dont get me wrong) i can just skip all of these. i can just skip getting hurt and getting bored.

its cold, its winter.. i have so many plans. making a youtube video, writing.. applying for school (again) i just cant seem to start anything..

im lazy.. but whats new?

i cant help but think about my old life.. back when i was still inthe philippines.. it was horrible because i dont like living with the relatives.. they were mean..

but i was happy when im with my friends.. i didnt have much back then.. but my friends.. even though there were only a few of them.. they became my refuge..

its funny because now that im earning a little more.. i can still confidently say that i was happier back then.. life was more interesting for me back then. i was honestly very happy.

money cant buy you happiness. its true. i believe that now.

what am i talking about? im crazy.

my mind is messing with me.. its bringing me some unwanted memories from the past..

gives me all the “feels”.

sadness, guilt, madness.. mostly guilt.. and of course, shame.

i envy most people.. even tho they have limits.. physically, financially speaking.. at least they have a vision.. they know what they wanted to do in life.. they’re not completely wasting what was given to them..

i missed writing nonsense stuff in here.. i forgot my password so i havent been “on” as much and my laptop broke so i had to take it out for someone to fix it..

i felt really sad when i thought that i was going to lose this one.. its too soon for that.. im not ready yet.. altho the new series of macbook pros looks really sleek and i actually want one..

i still love this laptop tho with all my heart.. ❤

im tired. its 3am in the morning. im watching a ghibli movie since yesterday.. its called the wind rises.. but i cant seem to finish it..  and i kept thinking of just watching harry potter.


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